04/06/07 - Announcing Microsoft Panhandling
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet
Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows
Vista: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary
investment. Naturally, this man then became my competitor, so I had my limo
driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy
situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu,
"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows Vista. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare
any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a
little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists
of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The
user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and
$142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to
have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu
says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next
couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes
$50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean
up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows
Vista will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,"
says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in
the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll
have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
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"Microsoft is to quality software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking"
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